Arowana

It is the end of 2009.  A lot has happened since my last post! I have just spent the last hour or so reading back on entries through the last few years. 

What has happened?

I went to work at a local city Council.  I started earning money and paying back my student loan.  I started saving for my mum and dad and taking on a financial burden.  I started learning how to spend money (or maybe I just spent money and didn't learn anything).  I broke someone's heart that had been growing for over six years.  I took on responsibility at work and my rubber ideals 'hit the road'.  I got tired.  I got my full licence.  I graduated top of the class (thanks God!) with Chloe Smith and Michael Strong, my two awesome planning buddies.  Chloe went to work in Wellington, Michael is pursuing his passion as an awesome chef in a cafe near Dressmart, Onehunga.

I joined a young adults' home group at Howick Baptist Church and avoided developing a parallel/separate life from my dear sibling(s) Cheryl, William and Kimberley.  Went to Impact Bible Conference with the Scriveners and Jono Mac and Kelvin Lomberg and Sean Caleb Hofman (and others).  Then in the second to last week of July, went to visit my awesome friend Sundeia Bonda in Yamagata - where she has been teaching english for a year through the Japanese Government's Jet programme as an ALT - assistant language teacher.  The Sunday before I left I sang "before the throne of God above" a cappella for my beautiful Grace Baptist Church brothers and sisters, and dropped a bombshell on them - that I was going to Howick.  (I think I didn't do it very well.  Awful to do that.  Awful.  But it was done.  I am wishing there was something I could do to encourage them.  Miss them.  Love them.). 

Organised a very special 21st birthday for over a 100 people - games to icebreak- deliberately prayed with my dear friend Jing, that people would see Jesus' disciples loving one another and thereby know we were His - the night was a little taste of heaven for people of all ages and nationalities - bringing together friends in one place and healing a bit of that 'separation pain'.  Met a lot of Christian young people from all walks of life and incredible stories of their lives.  Met Jing Hou and had many awesome chats as she started coming to HBC.
Spent time with special friends: Leah McVeagh, Ben Teh, Dennis (I was sick and they surprised me at my house), Tommy Yu, Ben and Marge.. haven't talked to Tom and Jennifer... Darnelle Richardson my precious friend with whom we celebrate singleness (often!) Chantelle and Tony and 180 youth who are there to glorify Christ.
Had interesting chats with work colleagues Mr T Webb, M Weing.. arth.. N Deo.. A Pillay.. and others.  Realised we are all human and go through human experiences - and so you are never alone.. the world is not so full of strangers as you might think.

Little while ago, went with Leah to Dennis Liu and Jack Woon's masters film screening - Dennis' music video (one of my faves!!) "Crushes and Waves" and also his Masters short film, 'Songs we Forgot to Play' - were featured.  Excellent.  He's one of our bright creative stars.  I still have a playlist made exclusively up of his covers haha! Go Dennis!! :) Wish we'd studied his films in AS Cambridge English.

Last week, got presented with my membership certificate to Howick Baptist.  Two days ago - Friday 18 December - finished my first year as a resource consent/regulatory planner.  Friday night - had a special paperclip with Dennis, Helen, Arron, Henry, William, Cheryl, Sonny, Mary, Ray and Natasha.  Have realised how special it is that we continue meeting up and am so thankful to God for creating each one of them.

Yesterday - went to Anna Chen's 21st in Waikowhai.  Was late.  Met several Christian young people who go to Greenlane Christian Centre.  They seem so cool and some of them are obsessed (!) with Settlers of Catan! (Good, more people like me xD) lol.  Hope we can make more friendships and keep in touch.  Met a young man who has battled ill health (and some cancer) for the last 9 years of his life.  We had a deep conversation about suffering.  But that's what happens when you're Christian. The most basic part of you changes and has become the same as many others.  Conviction of sin and hope in Jesus just changes you like that.  And suddenly again you are so much less alone than you think.  Jesus is in so many places everywhere you go.

At night - made wontons, soup and played around like crazy high school girls - with Kelly Chan and Jenny Ho.  We are three pretty different people who became friends ... perhaps because we were the only chinese girls in our class (?).  But I am so glad we did.  We are so different... so we appreciate so many qualities the others have that we don't.  Did you know Kelly is the hard-out master gourmet, knows pressure points, is totally an IT whiz, and is an awesome steadfast friend? Love her.  Jenny - loves people for who they are.  Which I have only just begun to learn.  She is also creative, and talented, and really patient with people, and they are both generally talented at cooking and doing things.  And I am the childish one.  Man, I love being their friends.  I am so glad we are friends.

Today had a combined service with Evangelical Formosan Church of NZ and HBC and it was so nostalgic hearing the old hymns and songs being sung in Chinese, too.

Mum and Dad are still going to different churches, but they came to HBC has Christmas.  I love both of them.  Thanks Mum and Dad for your constant love and care.  Thank you for being close to me.  I love you and I hope I can become the kind of daughter that you would like to have.

I have decided not to expect what God has not promised - specifically, that we go to the same church.  But I am going to appreciate the short time we have left.  Mum and Dad are hitting fifty and the time is too precious to waste.  And anyway we are all going to be in heaven together, worshiping the Lamb.  And God, you have ordained this for me, and through it I have been able to suffer and grow.  What I have been longing for - hasn't happened.  But instead, I have learned to wait for time to pass.  And that even in the midst of pain God sustains and shows you he is enough.  My happiest moments are being lost in His perfection and learning his truth.. his ways which are often so much higher above what I could have ever dreamed up. What an incredible blessing to have this. 

I am also going to stop saying "we should..." ("we should have a tidy house... we should have this particular set of manners (within reason!!)" and instead, appreciate what "we are... we do..."  Thank you McVeagh family for loving each other as you each other - what an example to me.  Leah, Becca, Jim and Heather I am really going to enjoy house sitting for you (over New Years!!) :) - what a delight to explore your house - which filled with physical notes of your love and kindness to each other!

So... thus far I feel as though I have lived a life of fragmented relationships - going to three different schools, now three different churches, and having members of my family at three different churches, 'deep' friends in each of them, and my heart spread all over the place in different times and physical locations.  Some of it has been painful.  But my God has been so faithful to me.  In the words of Nolene, an 80-year old lady, widowed for 28 years, whom I met today: ("If you could say one thing to the generation of today, what would it be?") - "There's so much to say, but... He never, never, never fails..... never.  So never turn back."

Katherine Hoi-Yan Ning has grown up a lot in the last year.  Thank you so much Lord.  Thank you so much.

By Elisabeth Adams
(Source: Boundless)

Dear Pollyanna¹ ,

Life stinks for us, and we find it really annoying that you're so cheerful all the time. Are you actually glad about everything? Or do you just have a really easy life?

Sincerely,
your friends

* * *

Dear God,

I'm tired of being Pollyanna. It's lonely inside this cheerful bubble. Could You do something about it?

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear Derrick,

Remember the lunchtime drama in our one-room schoolhouse when we were about 16? I'd sit at one end of the table, my head full of books, bread-baking and my baby brothers. You'd sit at the other end and try to catch me in some chirpy remark, so you could pounce on it and begin an argument. Now, of course, I realize that you were wrestling with the eternal verities of life, death and diabetes. Though I'm sure you weren't looking for sympathy from me, I'm sorry I was so plastic and perky. I can't help hoping, however, that you got a bang out teasing me. It was the least I could do.

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear Uncle Lloyd,

Remember my conviction, when I was 17, that God would heal you of cancer? I'll never forget the week when He took you home instead: Heaven was as real and as near the things I could see, like a low-lying cloud of glory. If it were up to me, I'd rather have you here ... but we weren't the ones doing the choosing, were we?

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear John,

I'm only writing this letter in my head, because I don't want to hurt you. But honestly, I don't understand why you insist on viewing this as a tragedy. Yes, Annie seems to be wandering far from her beloved Jesus, but in His mind the story isn't over yet. He is all about making beauty out of ashes. But what am I thinking? If I'd had the privilege of being her friend for as long as you have, my pain might be drowning my hope, too. I wish I'd listened more gently to you today.

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear self,

So you woke up Puddleglum² this morning! I know it only happens to you about twice a year on average, but plenty of people deal with depression every single day. You'll get better at it, when you've had more practice. If your faith calisthenics feel more like bench pressing, it's a good thing. It builds spiritual muscle. Try quoting Scripture to yourself and praying. Not better? Get up, read some Bible, and eat breakfast. Still not better? Keep your eyes peeled for sparrows³ , and try not to take your litany of disaster too seriously.

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear suffering church,

It's hard for me to even hear about all the things you're going through; I can't imagine actually experiencing them! A 13-year-old girl raped in Bangladesh. A young father murdered in Gaza. While here in the West, we find suffering strange, you know all about death, disease and persecution. It's approval, prosperity and ease that are strange to you. We may be wise in the ways of the world; you are gaining wisdom in the school of suffering. I'm humbled by your example.

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear Elisabeth Elliot,⁴

Certainly you've joined the saints and martyrs in the fellowship of Jesus' sufferings,⁵ but I've been hanging back on the fringes, feeling like a junior member of the club. Thanks for letting me know that suffering is not so mysterious, that it's just "having something you don't want, or wanting something that you don't have.” If you're right, then we're all in the school of suffering. Well, I've got a few disappointments and a few responsibilities that chafe like a hair shirt. I'll consider them essential preparation for the curriculum that lies ahead.

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear God,

It's true that I was tired of being imprisoned inside my Pollyanna bubble. Certainly, I wanted to learn how to weep with those that weep. But I didn't mean for You to teach me that way. I thought You were going to do it by testing me, not somebody I love. But one day, in the middle of a football game on a grassy lawn, You tapped my 22-year-old friend Andrew on the shoulder. "Come home," You said, and just like that, Andrew was gone. In that moment, the invisible summons had arrived for his parents and his sweetheart to join the fellowship of Your suffering. In that moment, You breached the bubble of my selfishness, and my heart hurt, simply because theirs did.

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear "Uncle" Dave, "Aunt" Pat, and Melissa,

When your Andrew died, I was afraid to get too close, lest I brush clumsily against your lacerated hearts. But when you humbly made room for me and others to bear your pain, your suffering really did bring fellowship! Uncle Dave, I'll never forget the morning you thanked me with tears in your eyes for the written tribute I’d been too shy to give you personally. Aunt Pat, I feel so honored that you allow me to keep remembering Andrew with you: the funny things, the small things, and the great ones alike. And Melissa, you radiated the hope of heaven when you were walking through hell, and I saw that even there, the consolations of God are not too small.⁶

Dear Job,

Thanks for the book: It's becoming my handbook these days. Remember how you began a litany of disaster and your friends jumped in to help you solve bereavement, bankruptcy and boils? I can totally see why, instead of being soothed, you got more and more agitated, finally complaining, “Guys, why are you taking my ranting seriously? I'm suffering, remember?"

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear self,

Let's make sure we're talking truth here. This is not nothing; it hurts. Being stoic, simply waiting for time to pass, or busying yourself with other things won't make the pain go away. God designed your body to flinch instinctively away from a hot stove; when your heart hurts, do you instinctively run to Him?

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear God,

What's up? I had no idea that heartache could be literal, but it is. I'm hurting — a lot — and I really don't understand what you're doing right now. It sure seems like You didn't give Job a straight answer about his suffering, and now You're not talking to me about it, either. All I can think of are those renovations we've been doing at a friend's house. I search the walls for patches of crumbling plaster and flaking paint, and pound, scrape and pry, raining dust and debris all over the floor, and leaving gaping holes behind. Only later does someone sweep up the rubble, fill the holes, and transform those walls with fresh paint. So much has to be torn down so that house can finally reach its full potential. So much has to be torn down so I can grow into the woman You created me to be. I've got bitterness, self-pity and fear raining down all over the place! Can we done be with this soon — please?

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear Larissa, Kristy and Marie,

I would never wish you a sweetheart in a coma, only 10 weeks with your new husband, or a marriage that crumbles to divorce in less than a year. But oh, how thankful I am that in the mercies of God I know you now. Your pain puts mine in perspective. My pain reminds me to carry you in my heart, day after day and week after week.

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Dear God,

It's me again. I used to be the happiest person I know. I still am, down there in my heart somewhere, but while You're digging me out again, I'm having trouble coming up with words worth sharing. Instead, I take my camera and set out in search of You — and I keep bumping into small stuff. Tiny sparrows with markings in khaki, cream and cinnamon. The first anemone, clear noon sunlight glowing through its translucent scarlet petals until it hardly looks real, it's so beautiful.

Are You trying to tell me something?

Sincerely,
Pollyanna

* * *

Beloved Pollyanna,

I've been paying attention to those sparrows and flowers, too.

I hear you. (So keenly).

I see you. (In such detail).

I have so much hope and so many good plans for you! There's no way I'm going to neglect you into being a spoiled child. So don't be amazed and bewildered at this fiery ordeal, as though something strange were happening to you. Where you are, I am. Without respite.

I know you have questions. I'm giving you the same answer I gave Job: Myself.

Sincerely,
God

* * *

NOTES

1. A character from Eleanor H. Porter's novels and a movie starring Hayley Mills: a girl who always finds something to be glad about.
2. A character from C. S. Lewis's Narnia series: a weedy sort of fellow who always expects the worst.
3. Matthew 10:29-31
4. Elisabeth Elliot has been widowed twice. Her first husband, Jim Elliot, was killed by Auca Indians, to whom he was bringing the gospel. She lost her second husband, Addison Leitch, to cancer.
5. Philippians 3:10
6. Job 15:11

"I remember growing up, there was a honeysuckle bush that grew on my houses fence.  My friend, Stephanie Davis and I would sit against the fence and suck the honesuckle and talk about boys, Amy Grant, and solve the worlds problems as much as any 11 year old could.

Life was good.

I remember riding my bike down by the pond at the end of the block and tempting fate while riding “Devils Ditch”.  I remember feeling invincible and scared all at the same time.

Life was good.

I remember going to my middle school banquet with Matthew Caldwell and sitting on the front porch swing in my blue Taffeta dress and my 80s hairdo.  I remember wanting so bad for him to hold my hand on that swing, and when he did I nearly passed out.

Life was good.

I wish that I could go back to those days, I wish that I could have that carefree spirit. I wish that I could go back and be that innocent again.

Why is it that we, as adults, get so caught up in our every day life that we forget how good life is? Why is it that we fight, argue, bicker about things like who the next President will be that we forget that God is still in control. He knew that I would fall down the “Devils Ditch”, He knew that Stephanie would lose her brother the next year to a drowning at the YMCA, He knew that Matthew Caldwell would not be my knight in shining armor much to my dismay… because he was in those tomorrows. Yet he still held all of our hearts.

He is in this tomorrow to. He knew who the next President would be before there was time.  He is already there.  Whether it be McCain or Obama, He is not shocked nor is he alarmed. He is not going to be thrown off his throne over the outcome.

He is still God.

And life is still good."(HT: Especially Heather)

Here are all the things that have been happening to me recently:

- i got offered a job
- i was struggling with pride and feeling distant from God, but i was secure in the promise of Hebrews 13:5-6... "i will never leave you, nor forsake you" :D
- we had a great day getting all our pedestrian counting data
- i had a great chat with one of my friends
- my old friend from intermediate reminded me of the time i sang gloria gaynor's 'i will survive' in assembly and how my shoe came off when i did a kick or a spin or something (lol)
- i was encouraged by my knowledgeable lecturer and he made my motivation for study and enjoyment for learning come back - and i'm going to do the best i can for this assignment and rejoice in the Lord for it! because living things are His creation, and how wonderful and complex it is!
- i was able to have a closer relationship and understanding with one of my friends - we're more similar than we thought!
- i was discouraged and only focusing on the bad things and fears, but my dad reminded me of all the good things and blessings i've received so far! i'm so glad he was there and for our relationship!
- i had such a great group for urban design
- i was able to get so much finished last night at uni
- God kept me safe when waiting at a lonely bus stop with a few people at 10pm at night, and He looked after me again and kept me safe when it was all dark and cold near the highland park stop!
- kim came to our house!
- i was able to read some more of 'be diligent' by warren wiersbe and learnt that God's view is suffering that turns into glory, while satan's view is glory without suffering; moreover that he who is greatest shall be least and serve, and how God is glorified when we show faith in him - and that we must be like little children who are humbly dependent on God and trust Him, asking Him for everything that He promises by trust :)
- i was discouraged this morning how the house was messy, but dad encouraged me - i'm so grateful! and so fickle! lol! - and i got to tidy the master bed and the kitchen sink

i'm grateful for God's faithfulness to all-ways keeping me.  even when i wander He is the one who is responsible and takes good care of His sheep. 

He truly has proven to me these last few days how He will "never leave me nor forsake me", and how precious His word is, and how it just cuts through all the lies/worries/doubt/fear.  He is fair and good and faithful, even, if not especially, when i am weak...
 

Worries: Money, direction, studies, witness, time management, laziness, other people, myself, ripped relationships, my future, everyone's future, fatness, tidiness, bad habits, regrets and berating, looking at my circumstances and my own weaknesses

Truth: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8
- Ask John Piper: How do you keep from getting discouraged ...?

Today I went to see two people at a building in the city about a job interview.  It was great.  I was a bit nervous at first but they were so nice and open that I really enjoyed the whole thing.  Well, 'being nervous before the interview' is a bit of an understatement.  I felt so much dread it was like a '10lb boulder in my stomach' kind of dread.  I had to seriously remind myself of the truth revealed in the Bible - that I shouldn't fear man but God, my Saviour, my Creator, the one who protects me, upholds justice, and is infinitely compassionate.

I've been thinking lately what it would be like if my parents passed away.

You see, recently I've been eating dinner with Mum a lot, and she's so dear and sweet to me.  She is so lovely and kind in her own quiet way.  I enjoy eating her dinners simply because she was the one who cooked it for me, and I really appreciate the love and effort that she put into it, for me (and her, but still).  I love her very much and today when I was walking up Victoria Street, I wondered how I would act at her funeral.  I'd cry, certainly, seeing her body in the coffin, thinking it has been well-used and well done, and so grateful that God gave my mum to me.  In the wake of others who have had so many harsh things happen to them (from the experience of my friends in recent years as well as after a new 60-Minutes-induced eye-opening experience about murder, rape and cannabalism in Sierra Leone, and cyber bullying) what have I to complain about, blessings which I have richly received so far beyond what I deserve.

The blessings of having parents, my dear sister; having the 'hidden blessing' of a 'lonely' primary school experience which made me both geeky and compassionate; being able to meet so many interesting and fascinating, real people during primary, intermediate and secondary; enjoying such loving, tender, truthful and closest members of my Church family; having such awesome friends at University who are so encouraging, diligent, excellent influences on me and so, so sweet and lovely to me every day... what have I done to deserve these?  Nothing.  I am richly blessed far beyond what I deserve and God, you have just been so kind to bring these people into existence and to bring us into each others' lives..

I might sleep soon and wake earlier tomorrow to get work done just because it's been so hectic, what with all sorts of personal issues, university stresses and more.  I want to do everything but it's probably better for me to focus on just a few.

I am so grateful that I'm alive.  I love being alive and knowing my God who always looks after me and is so close and shares all my experiences with me and keeps me onto the right track and brings me back whenever I go off.  If anyone deserves the glory, it's him.

My cute 13-year-old penpal sent me the most adorable letter.  Five pages! I will have to do my best to match it ;)

Finally, I leave you with a thoughtful quote from Ray Ortlund:

You know, I think this post basically sums up what I think about Worship. :) The deep joy, the high joy, starts with know who God truly is and then the implications of what it means for your life.  I guess there's a reason why the Psalms don't have music scores to them! Because the central part of it is objective knowledge... what the credible source of the bible says about God (after all, it's the only book supported by such incredible historical, archaeological, physical and scientific evidence... ;))

----
Worshiping Your Feelings (The Blazing Center)

Posted: 25 Apr 2008 05:00 AM CDT

Have you ever had one of those Sunday mornings where you just didn’t feel like singing? You know the kind I’m talking about. You had an exhausting week, your Bible reading was sketchy, and you had an argument with a family member on the way to church. You don’t feel close to God and you certainly don’t feel like singing. Then Mr. Smiley Man Worship Leader stands up at the front and encourages everyone to lift a “joyful song” to the Lord, and you want to walk up there and give him a swift slap in the face. Then the music starts, and you’re painfully aware that you really don’t feel like singing. I’ve been there. Maybe you’re in that place right now.

Let me encourage you to do something different this Sunday. When the singing starts, don’t let your first question be, How do I feel about what I’m singing? That’s the wrong place to start when it comes to worship. The first question should be, What is the truth about God?

For example, when you sing -

Before the throne of God above, I have a strong and perfect plea

- don’t start with an evaluation of your feelings. This truth you are singing has absolutely nothing to do with your feelings. If you’re a Christian you have a glorious savior, a mighty redeemer, and a strong and perfect plea in Jesus Christ. All your sins are washed away and you can approach God himself with complete confidence. You have a place reserved for you in heaven. And all this has absolutely nothing to do with how you feel!

Now I need to be careful here. Feelings are essential in worship. Worship without feeling doesn’t honor God. But feelings aren’t the starting place for worship. Glorious truth about God is the starting place for worship, and is what creates true feeling in our heart. As John Piper puts it in his book Desiring God, “The fuel of worship is a true vision of the greatness of God…”

So when the singing starts this Sunday, don’t immediately do an inward evaluation of how you feel at that moment. Rather, engage your mind with the glorious truths that you’re singing and ask God to give you a true vision of his greatness. Ask God to open your eyes to see his glory, and ask him to kindle deep, God-honoring emotion in your heart. Start with the truth and your feelings will follow.